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Hello Dipo,

Ok this has nothing to do with neither financial nor entrepreneurial issues.
It’s very personal and I would like some advice first from you and your wife,
and if it’s ok with you, from your mature readers.

I got engaged a month ago. My family later expresses some displeasure/concerns
because:
(1) my Mr. (let’s call him Gozie) did not speak with them first and express
his interest in me etc. He has had prior contact with them while visiting me as
we (Gozie and I) live in different countries. Now, a month after the proposal he
is yet to call anyone on that note.
(2) Based on observations from his first visit, my oldest sister is totally
unsupportive because she believes he is used to being taken care of and would
leave many things in the home for me to sort/work out. Also (on his visits), she
felt I was the one making all the visible efforts to keep him happy. The two
parts of issue 2 are interrelated.

These are the 2 main issues.

I communicated issue 1 to him and he was soooo upset and yelled at me on the
phone justifying his actions, that he "owes noone an apology" and that
the only person he needed to consult before proposing was God (He’s a devoted
Christian). He narrated all the things he’s done to prove his love to me saying
that he has given "150% of himself and if that’s not enough my family
should find someone for me to marry". Then he dropped the phone…
This happened 2 days ago and we haven’t spoken since then.

I had hoped to get a more civil reaction, something like, "babes I don’t
agree with your family on the proposal but as their buy-in is of upmost
importance let’s think out a way of appealing to them". I know my fiance is
introverted and highly sensitive but i expect that he should be willing to bend
his back for me if appealing to my family would make them (and me) happy. On the
topic of marriage, I believe that if you want to take something precious from
someone you have to speak the person’s language, put aside yours so you can earn
their respect and confidence. My mistake was not letting him know what would
appeal to them and honestly, I wasn’t sure of what would appeal to them at that
point.

What do I do now?????  I want him to show my family that he really loves me and
can take care of me amidst their doubts. Speaking to them directly even after
the ‘offensive’ proposal would go a long way. He says he’s too introverted and
nervous to do that…. I quote: " That’s not my character "

I feel he’s not seeking counsel from the right places (if anywhere at all). A
day after the proposal, my brother-in-law even told him to call him and he
hasn’t.

My family’s opinion counts to me and I can’t walk into marriage with someone
who disregards their opinion. His pride and egotistic displays (all camouflaged
his introverted nature) blind his judgment. I’m exhausted from catering to
his ego.

Also, I thought I should include that ‘Gozie’ and I have been dating for a year and a half. We’ve been good friends for a decade. There are just certain traits a mere friendship does not reveal no matter how long it is. I’m saying that for those readers who might think I saw warning signs earlier.

What do you two think?

Hi Ada,

“What do I think?” What I think may shock you and eventually MAY not go down with you. However, my opinion is based on my perspective, my experience, my exposure, my leaning and my interpretation of the word of God so I will beg you to consider it and not take it as an absolute truth. With the above disclaimer out of the way, I will start by appreciating you for taking out time to seek a different perspective and also posing an issue that made me totally abandon my present task.

What is wrong with Gozie? Why is Gozie so insensitive to the plight of Ada? The answers are very simple and can be captured in one sentence: Gozie is a human being; there is really nothing wrong with Gozie; he is playing the script accordingly without any pretence; he is in love with Ada and Ada is also in love with him. Is Gozie matured? Yes, logically, he is matured but emotionally, he may not be. Ada is also not emotionally matured. This is where we must truly appreciate this couple; there is really nothing wrong with Gozie and Ada not being emotionally matured as this is their first trip to the altar. They have never handled this situation before so they must make their mistakes and learn from it.

This is the advice I will give to you (not Gozie) because you are the one that came for advice:

Communication: Despite the fact that you were friends before becoming lovers, you have not learnt to communicate with him. You were expecting a civil reaction from an uncivil action. You obviously believe that the way you went about telling him of your family’s disposition towards him was civil that’s why you expected a civil response. The way he responded was based on what he perceived you where telling him not on what you actually said.

How did you communicate with him? You obviously communicated how your family felt. Do you know how he will perceive what you just communicated to him? Now let me give you a lucid description; you visited his family; his family is not like your family; his family is on the reserve side. He then calls you up and says “my family does not like the way you kept on talking and talking; they felt you did not come from a good home; they said you were too loose; they complained about the way you hugged my younger brother; they said you had no restraint; my elder sister said you would not be a good wife because you will always nag and demand; she can see the signs from your jovial attitude; my father expressed his displeasure; etc.

How do you think you will feel when you hear this? You MAY not react the way he reacted because you obviously have different temperaments and personality but you will feel the same way he felt when you told him about how your family felt towards him. You will feel a sense of betrayal because you will feel he agrees with his family on some level. In the secret of your heart even if you cannot verbalize it; you will say “to hell with his family”. You may even start reconsidering the union because you can imagine what will happen after the wedding.

Genesis chapter 2 verse 24 explains why Adam exclaimed “she is part of my own bone and flesh” – the particular verse says “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife in such a way that they both become one person”. This simply means it is you and Gozie against the world not your family and you against Gozie. When Gozie realized that you were part of him, he asked you to marry him and on a subconscious or conscious level, you agreed because you felt you were in the right direction. This is the part that you seem not to understand and it is the concluding verse of the same chapter: “Now although man and his wife were both naked, neither of them was embarrassed or ashamed.”

Gozie has started to disrobe and expose his naked character; you are not meant to be ashamed because you have decided to marry him. Your family can be ashamed but you can never be ashamed. If you are not ashamed, it is your duty to mend fences between your family and Gozie and always be aware of where your allegiance lies (totally with your husband to be). If you communicated to Gozie this way: “Darling, guess what?” “What?” “I love you so much that I would go the length and breadth with you” “Why did you say that?” “Can you imagine my family was just picking some fault when you came around and I had to stand up for you (even if this were not entirely true)?” This affirms your loyalty and makes it easier for him to pretend in the presence of your family to satisfy you.

Temperament: I am sure you are aware that you both have different temperaments (If you want an extensive study on temperament, you can read Tim Lahaye’s “Why you act the way you do”) I am not going to delve into this subject but I am going to hammer on the selflessness part of the deal. You have different temperament so you have different lenses in seeing the world. You have to borrow each other’s lenses in other see better. When he said “I have given you 150% of myself”; do you really understand what he meant? He is telling you that he has sacrificed himself for your sake; did you truly understand this sacrifice?

When an opposite temperament tells you that I am sacrificing myself for you; he/she simply means “I am being uncomfortable for you”. This is where the trouble lies; what one temperament sees as sacrifice is different from what another temperament sees as such. You have not been acknowledging his sacrifice and you want him to do another one for you even when he is making you understand that I can do anything for you. He is simply telling you in that last communication that you have that I love you dear and I can do anything for you but don’t support your family against me. Instead, you kept imposing your views on him. You have to seek first to understand your partner, before he can understand your plight.

Another point I must bring out in this temperament issue is the issue you brought about your sister observations: “she felt I was the one making all the visible efforts to keep him happy.” You have simply pointed out that he is reserved and you are not; reserved people find it difficult to be free in the presence of strangers; that’s what your family is to Gozie at the moment.

Culture: Culture plays an important role in wedding ceremonies and marriages. In some parts of India, it is the lady that sources for the bridegroom. I have witnessed my two elder sisters get married so I was shocked when I was giving a list by my wife’s people to procure some things before the traditional rites could take place. There are different cultures and different marriage rites but as Christians, we have a superior culture called the Kingdom culture. What you should ask yourself is the importance of family in the Christian Culture.

Abraham organized a wife for his son Isaac, Jacob never informed his parents before getting married in the house of Laban. One could not see a clear pattern in the role of parents. Why Rebecca’s parents did not have to see Isaac before giving their daughter to the family; the ultimate question lies with the woman. Rebecca’s parents asked if she would follow the man and she said yes. There was no record that Saul consulted his daughter about David before giving her to him. Joseph understood the power of oneness in engagement when he hid Mary away with a pregnancy that was not his. He simply shielded Mary from his family’s comments. What Joseph did was unusual but Joseph acted the Kingdom culture; he was not ashamed of his fiancée.

Your fiancé is not in the country; I really don’t know where he is but he may have adapted the culture of where he is; if he is in the US, most citizens don’t consult their parents on the choice of their partners so he may be wondering why the fuzz on all this family issue. It is neither about the culture of the Jews nor the culture of Arabia but the culture of the Kingdom. The culture of the Kingdom says a woman exists to support a man in his God given task. In as much as we want utopia situations in our existence, it is not always like that. You can’t have the situation where everything will just go the way you want but you must learn to lean on Kingdom principles in a spectrum of leanings.

Do you want my advice? It’s not a great thing to quarrel when you are miles apart; call him up today and apologize for your misgivings. Tell him how much you love him. Forget your family’s opinion for now; they always take care of themselves. Make sure you support your man in whatever he is doing. Concentrate on building your home by praying because you will end up in the same home. If you concentrate on what you have the power to change, you will be shocked that what you could not change will bend to your will.

This is my advice to you. I know there are so many people that have opinions, views and perspectives on this matter. Please, kindly give your advice; give and it shall be given back to you…………….