Hello Dipo,
Ok this has nothing to do with neither financial nor entrepreneurial issues.
It’s very personal and I would like some advice first from you and your wife,
and if it’s ok with you, from your mature readers.
I got engaged a month ago. My family later expresses some displeasure/concerns
because:
(1) my Mr. (let’s call him Gozie) did not speak with them first and express
his interest in me etc. He has had prior contact with them while visiting me as
we (Gozie and I) live in different countries. Now, a month after the proposal he
is yet to call anyone on that note.
(2) Based on observations from his first visit, my oldest sister is totally
unsupportive because she believes he is used to being taken care of and would
leave many things in the home for me to sort/work out. Also (on his visits), she
felt I was the one making all the visible efforts to keep him happy. The two
parts of issue 2 are interrelated.
These are the 2 main issues.
I communicated issue 1 to him and he was soooo upset and yelled at me on the
phone justifying his actions, that he "owes noone an apology" and that
the only person he needed to consult before proposing was God (He’s a devoted
Christian). He narrated all the things he’s done to prove his love to me saying
that he has given "150% of himself and if that’s not enough my family
should find someone for me to marry". Then he dropped the phone…
This happened 2 days ago and we haven’t spoken since then.
I had hoped to get a more civil reaction, something like, "babes I don’t
agree with your family on the proposal but as their buy-in is of upmost
importance let’s think out a way of appealing to them". I know my fiance is
introverted and highly sensitive but i expect that he should be willing to bend
his back for me if appealing to my family would make them (and me) happy. On the
topic of marriage, I believe that if you want to take something precious from
someone you have to speak the person’s language, put aside yours so you can earn
their respect and confidence. My mistake was not letting him know what would
appeal to them and honestly, I wasn’t sure of what would appeal to them at that
point.
What do I do now????? Â I want him to show my family that he really loves me and
can take care of me amidst their doubts. Speaking to them directly even after
the ‘offensive’ proposal would go a long way. He says he’s too introverted and
nervous to do that…. I quote: " That’s not my character "
I feel he’s not seeking counsel from the right places (if anywhere at all). A
day after the proposal, my brother-in-law even told him to call him and he
hasn’t.
My family’s opinion counts to me and I can’t walk into marriage with someone
who disregards their opinion. His pride and egotistic displays (all camouflaged
his introverted nature) blind his judgment. I’m exhausted from catering to
his ego.
Also, I thought I should include that ‘Gozie’ and IÂ have been dating for a year and a half. We’ve been good friends for a decade. There are just certain traits a mere friendship does not reveal no matter how long it is. I’m saying that for those readers who might think I saw warning signs earlier.
What do you two think?
Hi Ada,
“What do I think?†What I think may shock you and eventually MAY not go down with you. However, my opinion is based on my perspective, my experience, my exposure, my leaning and my interpretation of the word of God so I will beg you to consider it and not take it as an absolute truth. With the above disclaimer out of the way, I will start by appreciating you for taking out time to seek a different perspective and also posing an issue that made me totally abandon my present task.
What is wrong with Gozie? Why is Gozie so insensitive to the plight of Ada? The answers are very simple and can be captured in one sentence: Gozie is a human being; there is really nothing wrong with Gozie; he is playing the script accordingly without any pretence; he is in love with Ada and Ada is also in love with him. Is Gozie matured? Yes, logically, he is matured but emotionally, he may not be. Ada is also not emotionally matured. This is where we must truly appreciate this couple; there is really nothing wrong with Gozie and Ada not being emotionally matured as this is their first trip to the altar. They have never handled this situation before so they must make their mistakes and learn from it.
This is the advice I will give to you (not Gozie) because you are the one that came for advice:
Communication: Despite the fact that you were friends before becoming lovers, you have not learnt to communicate with him. You were expecting a civil reaction from an uncivil action. You obviously believe that the way you went about telling him of your family’s disposition towards him was civil that’s why you expected a civil response. The way he responded was based on what he perceived you where telling him not on what you actually said.
How did you communicate with him? You obviously communicated how your family felt. Do you know how he will perceive what you just communicated to him? Now let me give you a lucid description; you visited his family; his family is not like your family; his family is on the reserve side. He then calls you up and says “my family does not like the way you kept on talking and talking; they felt you did not come from a good home; they said you were too loose; they complained about the way you hugged my younger brother; they said you had no restraint; my elder sister said you would not be a good wife because you will always nag and demand; she can see the signs from your jovial attitude; my father expressed his displeasure; etc.
How do you think you will feel when you hear this? You MAY not react the way he reacted because you obviously have different temperaments and personality but you will feel the same way he felt when you told him about how your family felt towards him. You will feel a sense of betrayal because you will feel he agrees with his family on some level. In the secret of your heart even if you cannot verbalize it; you will say “to hell with his familyâ€. You may even start reconsidering the union because you can imagine what will happen after the wedding.
Genesis chapter 2 verse 24 explains why Adam exclaimed “she is part of my own bone and flesh†– the particular verse says “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife in such a way that they both become one personâ€. This simply means it is you and Gozie against the world not your family and you against Gozie. When Gozie realized that you were part of him, he asked you to marry him and on a subconscious or conscious level, you agreed because you felt you were in the right direction. This is the part that you seem not to understand and it is the concluding verse of the same chapter: “Now although man and his wife were both naked, neither of them was embarrassed or ashamed.â€
Gozie has started to disrobe and expose his naked character; you are not meant to be ashamed because you have decided to marry him. Your family can be ashamed but you can never be ashamed. If you are not ashamed, it is your duty to mend fences between your family and Gozie and always be aware of where your allegiance lies (totally with your husband to be). If you communicated to Gozie this way: “Darling, guess what?†“What?†“I love you so much that I would go the length and breadth with you†“Why did you say that?†“Can you imagine my family was just picking some fault when you came around and I had to stand up for you (even if this were not entirely true)?†This affirms your loyalty and makes it easier for him to pretend in the presence of your family to satisfy you.
Temperament: I am sure you are aware that you both have different temperaments (If you want an extensive study on temperament, you can read Tim Lahaye’s “Why you act the way you doâ€) I am not going to delve into this subject but I am going to hammer on the selflessness part of the deal. You have different temperament so you have different lenses in seeing the world. You have to borrow each other’s lenses in other see better. When he said “I have given you 150% of myselfâ€; do you really understand what he meant? He is telling you that he has sacrificed himself for your sake; did you truly understand this sacrifice?
When an opposite temperament tells you that I am sacrificing myself for you; he/she simply means “I am being uncomfortable for youâ€. This is where the trouble lies; what one temperament sees as sacrifice is different from what another temperament sees as such. You have not been acknowledging his sacrifice and you want him to do another one for you even when he is making you understand that I can do anything for you. He is simply telling you in that last communication that you have that I love you dear and I can do anything for you but don’t support your family against me. Instead, you kept imposing your views on him. You have to seek first to understand your partner, before he can understand your plight.
Another point I must bring out in this temperament issue is the issue you brought about your sister observations: “she felt I was the one making all the visible efforts to keep him happy.†You have simply pointed out that he is reserved and you are not; reserved people find it difficult to be free in the presence of strangers; that’s what your family is to Gozie at the moment.
Culture: Culture plays an important role in wedding ceremonies and marriages. In some parts of India, it is the lady that sources for the bridegroom. I have witnessed my two elder sisters get married so I was shocked when I was giving a list by my wife’s people to procure some things before the traditional rites could take place. There are different cultures and different marriage rites but as Christians, we have a superior culture called the Kingdom culture. What you should ask yourself is the importance of family in the Christian Culture.
Abraham organized a wife for his son Isaac, Jacob never informed his parents before getting married in the house of Laban. One could not see a clear pattern in the role of parents. Why Rebecca’s parents did not have to see Isaac before giving their daughter to the family; the ultimate question lies with the woman. Rebecca’s parents asked if she would follow the man and she said yes. There was no record that Saul consulted his daughter about David before giving her to him. Joseph understood the power of oneness in engagement when he hid Mary away with a pregnancy that was not his. He simply shielded Mary from his family’s comments. What Joseph did was unusual but Joseph acted the Kingdom culture; he was not ashamed of his fiancée.
Your fiancé is not in the country; I really don’t know where he is but he may have adapted the culture of where he is; if he is in the US, most citizens don’t consult their parents on the choice of their partners so he may be wondering why the fuzz on all this family issue. It is neither about the culture of the Jews nor the culture of Arabia but the culture of the Kingdom. The culture of the Kingdom says a woman exists to support a man in his God given task. In as much as we want utopia situations in our existence, it is not always like that. You can’t have the situation where everything will just go the way you want but you must learn to lean on Kingdom principles in a spectrum of leanings.
Do you want my advice? It’s not a great thing to quarrel when you are miles apart; call him up today and apologize for your misgivings. Tell him how much you love him. Forget your family’s opinion for now; they always take care of themselves. Make sure you support your man in whatever he is doing. Concentrate on building your home by praying because you will end up in the same home. If you concentrate on what you have the power to change, you will be shocked that what you could not change will bend to your will.
This is my advice to you. I know there are so many people that have opinions, views and perspectives on this matter. Please, kindly give your advice; give and it shall be given back to you…………….
I’v learnt alot on this article. Pls keep it up. sine it very useful to me am sure others too will appreciate it.
thanks
Ada dear, i went through your story and was glad for you that these issues came up now, i always believe that the stone you see coming will not blind your eyes!like some of those that added their comment said, i am sure the way you presented the issues was not diplomatic and with his kind of temperament..that is if i judge from what he said, then you should have expected that kind of outburst.My advice is, call him and make him see things your way , parents will always be parents and will want to hold on to their children in everyway possible but its your duty to build bridges by putting your people in a good light before him and doing same for him before your people.Know that this is your walk and it must be a prayer walk as you are the favor he has found so pls prove to be just that..pray about everything and anything..its only God that can change a man and make him what He wants him to be for you and its God that will also work in you both to do of His will and His good pleasure.So please work at it, i have been married for over 5 years and i had your kind of issues, but more from his side, i knew then if i had told my mum, some of the issues raised, she would have been afraid for me and even had grudges for my in-laws..who i call in-love as its love that binds us together and not law!but i kept it and presented them well , my husband also kept some of their comments from me, but we prayed as the issues came and God intervened.,and today, i am the apple of my in-love eyes and i have received so much love from them but if i had not handled things well, only God knows what would have been the conclusion of the matter.so dearie take am easy as no be everything eyes see mouth dey talk especially in marriage and to outsiders!Keep us posted.Biddy
I’ve just accidentaly stumbled on this blog and read Ada’s story, I’ve also read the comments in response to her story. I’m not surprised that most of the comments have come from male and I have to say though I may be wrong but it’s very one sided. While I do not know how Ada must have presented her family’s concern to Gozie, under any circumstances, I don’t believe she got the right response from a husband to be. She quotes “He narrated all the things he’s done to prove his love to me saying
that he has given "150% of himself and if that’s not enough my family
should find someone for me to marry". Then he dropped the phone…” What kind of love is this? that keeps a record of all he’s done throws it back in his fiancee’s face? disrespects her familyand her?
When I was courting my husband, I did let him know that my family’s consent to our relationship matters to me and because of this he consulted my parents and my pastor for my hand in marriage, this more than anything filled me with admiration and respect for him. In the course of our relationship, we’ve had one or two issues with my family but like the wise man he is, he has dealt with it in wisdom. Where my folks were overstepping their mark, we stated to them firmly how far they’re or not allowed to go but even in the course of this, he never disrepected them to their face or behind their back. My advice to Ada would be to step very carefully, thank God you know this about your fiance before going into marriage, marriage is a scared thing and should be entered into with much care. Both people need lots of wisdom and understanding plus God’s guidiance. Your fiance should respect your family and treat them with respect and wisdom, this is part of what shows you that he respect you and appreciates where you come from. You should respect his family likewise. Although at the end of the day, marriage is about the two of you but I can assure you, it will be much blessings if both families can be part of your lives. As others have adviced, it is your responsibility to show your family the good in your man and always fight his corner but I’ll say if people around you are seeing things about your relationship that may lead to problems in the future, I will advice you to take heed, be prayerful and commit all things to God to guide you
@ deola
nice take..the last love language u forgot is physical touch.
@ dipo
thanks for the ipod.thanks for doing what you do.
Great job Dipo, Great job. Thanks to Ada also for bringing the issue up. It shouldnt be money, money, money all the time.
The first time I visited my Pastor some years back with my wife (then fiancee), my Pastor did a nince counselling but made a statement which I felt was harsh then. He advised us not to get married if during the period of courteship we discover that we are not compatible. The opportunity for courteship, according to him, was not allowed during their days. People were made to get married “blindly”. You get to know your partner only when you are living together. Thank God for reformation in the christain kingdom.
Love conquers all. Agreed. Do not get married thinking that you will change your partner somewhere along the line. If you so much love someone to the extent of getting married, you should also be able to accommodate his shortcomings. You may not be able to get a perfect man or woman. Human beings are created differently and behave differently. No two human beings are the same . But with love and Christ so many shortcomings are no longer seen as such but as motivators in the relationship.
Ada, that guy do not have any problem unless there are other things not disclosed. You may not even know his family’s opinion about you which he is battling to handle. When you eventually get married, which you will, do not let your family run your home. Their opinions are important though. Protect your partner as much as possible. Tell whoever cares to listen that he is the best man on earth and treat him as such. Cover his shortcomings but find a suitable time to discuss issues with him privately. You have to discover his best time to discuss. We will discuss later.
@Emeka,
I needed to say it at least to point to the fact that i am not an authority in the issue being single atm and may have been off the point in my comments.
Yea! it will soon materialize.
great job dipo has done there, but i will like to add a few other things;
1. wise men learn when they can, it is fools that wait till they must. it is therefore a wise decision to learn very well about him and your families as well, before full blast marriage
2. you have both kave to learn how to fight successfully. there is the need to establish rules of engagement, especially before times and points of disagreements. i know a couple who admits fighting at least once a month ( i mean WWF fighting) but they have, at no time had issues of i hate you, or
packing out. they must sleep on the same bed bed that night, must not keep malice, no matter what….
they are still married with two kids. i knew them 6 yrs ago b4 marriage.
3. very quickly buy, borrow, or hire “five love languages” by gary chapman- it may save you. i didn’t write the book, but it points out a very salient point that may be an issue. the writer believes that every man/woman have their own love language, and they expreess love and expect love in that language. it does not matter what you do to them you are not expressing love, if you do not speak their language.
my fiancees language is quality time, it does not matter the amount of gifts, if i do not spend time with her, gisting, playing, i’m not demonstarting love. though my language is acts of service, and for me time is expensive, but i still have to do it. for me when we do things together, she is showing love even if she says i love you 20 times a day. i guess you should check that out. the five groups of language are;-
a. quality time
b. words of affirmation
c. acts of service
d. gifts
…can’t remember the last ( but i tried)
when he bursts like that he may be speaking from a frustrated state, or emptiness of affection ( i mean in his love language) and not from yours, when you give and give into a relationship without replenishment or recieving, it may resilt in despair.
i am also introverted, but you wont like to see me when i’m being cheated, frustrated or annoyed..was i pretending?…no. but i gotta stand up for myself, anyday.
imagine, if your language is to do things for him (acts of service), and his language is words that encourage you…is he wicked?. think. though i’m not being biased, i just need to point out things you might be missing
4. did he know the family before he knew you?
remember it is you both against your families , and not you and your family against him. he is probably saying that he’s marrying you and not the family. the battle is on wher your loyalty lies, with him or your family- it’s important. the man showing himselg to the family is always a formal event, but if it is in family/in-law relationship, the next point
5. i will not say you should not respect culture or tradition, but they have a way of over-bloating things…and they may be right at times. therefore your mode of presentation of the issue is important. Stand beside him and show him how to relate with your families and why it is important.
6. at every point try to see things from other person’s view, what is he seeing?, why does he say that everytime?, what led to it?.. they may be too important.
7. Gen 24:54 Rebekkah’s family were overjoyed when Eliaza came to pick her as the husband of isaac, eliaza stopped them and made it clear that the woman must decide herself if she wants to go. the ball is in your court.
8. one last point, if the reverse case happened, i mean his family is doing/saying the same thing to you, will you sell yourself to them or you will expect him to stand up for you.
these are the few things i have to say from my view, my relationship is cross cultural, she’s ibo. we’ve not had a single disagreement in 3 yrs of courtship, though there are still challenges ahead, but we are both planning aw to deal with issues together. it’s not his business, it’s yours too.
all da best
@ royal_prince
haha..royal_prince is still single oh!not to worry it will soon come!lol.
quite a piece.
i understand the issues you raised but shd’nt go zie be a bit sensitive of the lady’s familys ideals. it appears the piece was very one sided though it is down to earth.
balogun
@Dipo,
your take is well in other. I have learnt some stuffs from ur analysis of the marriages of the partriachs
@My Sis,
i believe the way you communicated the issue to ur fiance made the the difference and may have ilicited that kind of reaction.
Not attempting to rehearse some of the salient points Dipo made, I wish to add that:
It is instructive that ur family’s reservation didn’t bother on morality ( i mean character) but on personality (attitude). Although both are very crucial but i rate character higher than attitude. Attitude can be faked but not character. I believe u may have heard/see men with charming personaility who can spark up any room they enter but marriage goes beyond that.
Advise: you can help him work on his personality (attitude). Instead of reporting your family reservation to him probably in a critical manner, you can narrate to him how perculiar a personality he was in the eyes of your family. Let me explain: something like: “my mum or dad or siblings said it seems u are an introvert and don’t like mixing up freely with people and i told them not really, u do but not as freely as myself (urself)”. or something like, “when will u come over to meet my parents to make u intentions known?” Concerning ur sister’s reservation, u can go comical on it: “my elder sis said u are an “ajebota”, a mumy’s pet and i told her nooo! that u are hard working, she shouldn’t mind you physic.
You owe him the responsiblity of selling his person to ur family. Always counter or address their reservations and later narate it to him in a very subtile manner. There are things he may not be at home with and can not freely do for now. But as you continue stand up for him, with time he will begin to prove to them that all u have been telling them in defense of him are actually true.
Over here in my culture and also the church where i worship, it is the proposal first (after consulting with GOD) and later both of them can arrange on when to meet both parents for their consent. Some do this arrangement with the consent and directives of the church where they worship.
Of course each should have hinted their parents of this before hand.
Please heed Dipo’s counsel unless there is more to him than you have shared with us.
Wish u God’s favour and guidance in all u do.
I am still single O!…lol
Luv U!
@ dipo
a radical depature from “money talks articles”.
@ all,
the issue of marriage remains a very sensitive one.after the personal decision of salvation,another decision one would ever make in life is the choice of a marriage partner.the former has to do with a relationship with God while the latter has to do with the relationship with one’s helper-wife.it takes seeing through the eyes of the Spirit to find cos he that finds a wife finds a good thing.
nice take dipo.