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Has anyone caught the Maltina thinge on TV?

Oh well, I did, and managed to get amused, entertained, and upset (maybe that’s a bit hyperbolic but it was something close), one emotion flowing into the next.

Dance has become a Naija thing. “Dance” being anything from the Don-Moen choreography, with the gloves and headbands, to the roll-on-your-head hip-hop, to the swinging salsa.

I remember my excitement the first time I saw Spirit of David (“SOD”, a gospel dance-group) dance. There before my very own eyes, was a di-di-pa-di-di (probably interprets best as “break-dance”), almost as good as any MJ, Usher, or whoever’s musical video I had ever seen.
I agreed with most of the audience, while indelicately shouting myself hoarse, that they were simply amazing. I have seen other dances, and spectacular dancers, so that long before the Silverbird-sponsored Guinness record breakers, I had realised that dance was definitely “in”.

Anyway, my sister, a fantastic dancer (and who had laughingly consoled me, after my several weak attempts at yahozee that dancing was not genetic- “yahozee” is some dance step that continues to elude me), had been watching the show from the first time it was advertised. Eager to do some sister-sister bonding, I decided to pretend I wasn’t beefing her for being a better dancer. So, there I was, last Sunday, watching ten young Nigerians, dancing for a piece of the “Kaffy” pie”l

As my sister very reliably informed me, the “reality show” was at its salsa stage, how much of “reality” was another story. With SOD in my not so recent past, I wouldn’t have been surprised to see some “Havilla Nights” or “Dance with me” type salsa.

And, well, since the music sounded something like what some aspiring “producer” mixed on his home computer, as opposed to real music with words, I think most of the contestants did pretty well… that is if you agree with my years of experience watching many salsa-themed movies.

My actual beef was with the “judges”.

One looked like he should be choirmaster, another, like she didn’t really know what she was doing. I wasn’t asking for another “Idols” but as much as Nana’s “werking” it out used to amuse me, she could never be accused to looking lost on TV.

The “I really don’t know what’s going on here” judge shocked me when she criticised some of the dancers for being too original. I am not exactly a salsa instructor, but what on earth is “too original”.

After the judges evicted three of the ten participants, the not-quite-friendly presenter (that, is another story) informed the TV audience that the family of each evictee to dance to “save” its own.

That sounded “fun” and sure enough the next day, masochistic me made it on time.

Picture an old woman who barely knows how to spell “salsa”, doing the two-step with her rather amusing son… followed by a young lady who someone had probably lied to that she danced like a Vanessa Williams (going by the expression on her face), but didn’t manage the entertain with her bewildered brother, all doing the salsa.

The last family left, didn’t even bother to participate, I could imagine the scenario

Contestant’s dad- “ogini, are you okay? You expect me to go and make a fool of myself so that those small children (judges) can talk to me, a redcap chief anyhow! Tufiakwa, abomination”

I’ll be unfair if I don’t acknowledge the idea as commendable- bringing family together through dance, but really, do I want to drag an over- 50-year-old mum into a comedy-entertaining show masked as a silly attempt at salsa?

Verdict- If you happen to be in front of a TV and need another reason to wonder why “we don’t get things right” – like stress reliever after hours in traffic- then go ahead.